“I Feel My Dad’s Absence Everyday.
It Never Goes Away”
Told by Chasnae McFarland Ortiz
Written by Laurie Grobman
Chasnae’s strongest memory of her father is his smile. “His smile really brightened up everybody’s day with his personality. He was a really good guy. He was nice. He was sweet. He was honest. He was loyal and a protector. He’s a person that loved to help people.”
Chasnae remembers her dad picking her up from her mom’s house in Oakbrook. They’d go shopping, or he’d take her to his job. She remembers playing with toys while he was working. She’s a dog lover because of her dad. “We had a dog named Dino, a black pit, my dad’s favorite.” And later, her dad and stepmom had a dog named Lucky and they played with her all the time.
Memories are what remain of Chasnae’s father, Rolando Ortiz Benitez, who was shot and killed in Reading, PA at the Storks Bar in 2001. Chasnae was five years old. The pain she felt at the moment she was told of his death and through her childhood and teen years is with her still today, at 27. “I feel my dad’s absence every day. It never goes away.”
But she’s gotten through the worst of it and is a strong person with a beautiful life.
With two kids I have no choice but to be strong for them. I mean, there’s times where I’m by myself and I think about my dad and I start crying and dwelling, listening to soft music. Sometimes I take a really hot bath and just sit in it or I have the shower running over my head because I can feel in my body and my soul that I’m going to start to be depressed. I fight it real hard.
Chasnae has a loving, close family, including her mom, Denisha; her two young children, Rolando and Ignacia; her siblings, Zihniya, Devyonnce, and Jerrel; her grandma and grandpa; and many others in her extended family. Chasnae is a loving and devoted mother to two wonderful kids, and a great daughter, older sister, daughter, granddaughter, and just recently, an auntie. She is a caring and wonderful nurse and an R&B songstress with a Talent Agency called Black Horse Empire. She had a great experience auditioning for American Idol and it gave her even more confidence to keep pursuing music.
Chasnae believes deep in her heart that she will achieve her dreams to become a legendary star who brings love and happiness to others through her music, her spirit, and her soul. Chasnae is a healer who wants to bring healing to people and her community.
It was a long and painful journey for Chasnae. “Why would someone shoot my dad? Why? It’s so unfair, just so unfair.” Even today, she sees little girls and older women having daddy and daughter time and wonders how that feels.
When her dad died, Chasnae also lost a big part of herself that she hadn’t understood at such a young age. A mixed Afro Latina with an African American mother and Latino father,
Chasnae doesn’t speak Spanish because her dad was not here to teach her. Chasnae has a deep bond with her tio Fredo and tio Papito, who speak English. But unable to communicate with some family members on her dad’s side, she felt disconnected from her father’s family and her Latina heritage. Chasnae has wonderful memories of listening to Spanish music with her dad, but that ended with his death. In school, she was bullied because she didn’t have the straight curly hair that many of the Latin boys and girls had and because she was unable to speak their language.
Chasnae imagines her children saying “hey papa, can we see you? Can we come over? Hey papa, I love you.” And it hurts.
But when her son sees a picture of his grandfather, he’ll say “That’s pop pop, mommy.” He asks her, “mommy, why papa got my name?” And Chasnae smiles, telling him “Because I named you after him.” He was a great guy. Chasnae’s dad’s mother was Ignacia, which is also Chasnae’s middle name. And her daughter, whom she named Ignacia, “has a part of my dad in her too.”
Today, Chasnae finds strength in her music. Singing with her children is special. “When I’m singing, my kids, they sit there and they say, ‘mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy,’” and they sing with her. “It makes me so happy that my kids are able to see my songs and me hearing them singing my song just brings the love and joy in my soul.”
Chasnae is pursuing music professionally. She works hard because she loves music, but also to show her kids a life she didn’t have. Chasnae pursues this career for her dad, knowing it would make him proud. And she does so also for her mom, who “plays a big part in my music. If it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t be where I’m at right now.”
Writing music gives Chasnae joy, and she spends a lot of time in the studio. Her single, “I Can Love You,” is on You Tube, Spotify, and all the other main platforms. Chasnae and her sister, Yonnce, recorded a song together titled “I’ll Be There for You.”
Chasnae is also writing a song about her dad. It’s hard and incredibly painful at times. But it’s coming along. She will keep going with this song about her father because throughout her whole life, “it’s always been about my dad.” The song is one of the first songs she wrote, and she’s rewriting the song now because her vocals are stronger and to honor the man she loves and lost.
Chasnae wants children, teens, and adults to remember her father because of the man he was and would be today, and because he is someone to learn from. It’s important to hear his story and her story: “Before you pick up a gun or put up your fists remember this is violence and you can hurt or kill someone and change so many lives for the worse.”
Chasnae asks her community to remember her dad and her story every day. Stay away from violence. Stay away from the streets: “The streets don’t love you as much as your home loves you and God loves you. Choose God and choose love. You are not alone when it comes to violence.”