Breaking a Generational Curse: Healing from Past Trauma to Prevent Future Violence
Told by Anonymous
Written by Laurie Grobman
Charles Evans (not his real name), 32 years old, always said he “didn’t want to be like my dad” and “ended up being exactly just like him, where I ended up hurting people who were very, very close to me.” Charles “grew up in violence.” He became an alcoholic at 20 years old. Now, raising three daughters, Charles is trying to break his family’s generational curses and the enduring trauma caused by family violence.
Throughout his childhood and teen years, Charles was abused by his parents. Sometimes he was beaten with a cable wire or an extension cord. Other times Charles was beaten in front of family members, forced to take a cold shower, then getting pulled out of the shower only to be beaten bare naked in front of everybody. His mother beat him too, and the other adults in the home “just watched. They never intervened or said anything.” When Charles saw the film The Passion of Christ with his friends, the friends were really upset by the brutal whipping scene. But Charles told them, “That’s an amateur. That’s nothing compared to what I had to endure. I went through it for 18 years.”
No matter what he did, Charles received no affirmation or positivity from his parents: “I knew what I had to do, and I knew what would happen if I didn’t do it. And if I didn’t know any better, then I should have known better somehow.”
Outside of Charles’ violent home were violent streets. Harlem was a dangerous place when Charles grew up in the 1990s and the first decade of the twenty-first century. His family lived on the west side of Manhattan in a mainly Black community. That was really hard for a light-skinned Latino male. There was a lot of “resentment for anybody who was light skinned. All my friends were Black. All my neighbors were Black.” And anytime Charles walked anywhere, people would say out loud “‘Oh, there’s the white man coming.’ And I’m just a kid.” Charles had a lot of problems growing up because until the ninth grade, he was “probably the only light-skinned Spanish guy in the all-Black school.” It was especially confusing because Charles didn’t realize he was Latino until middle school: “I just thought I was white because that’s what everyone told me that I was.” There were Black and white teachers, but none who were Latino. By middle school, Charles began to understand. In high school, he was with more Latino teens and finally realized he wasn’t white.
Charles was bullied a lot because he was “a nerd”: “And I still am too. But now I say it proudly because I’m big enough to you know don’t mess with me.” Being bullied was hard for him: “If you don’t do anything, then you’re a punk, and now you’re a target for everyone. And if you do do something, you better hope you know how to fight back because then if you get beat up, then now you’re just going to get beat up by everybody.”
There were times he defended himself in and out of school. He got into a lot of fights. And then he got into trouble for fighting. Charles got the “biggest beating of all time” from his father when he was suspended from school because he fought back, trying to defend himself.
In his neighborhood, Charles was a target, even when minding his own business. Back then, “you couldn’t walk outside with headphones on because then they knew you had something on you. You couldn’t wear a specific type of coat or you would have gotten robbed right away.” It was sneakers too. Charles only wore Converse sneakers or flip flops because no one wanted them. He still does: “That kind of mentality stays with you.”
Charles was in seventh grade when a stranger, who was with a group of older guys, approached him, asking for the time. Trying to be polite, Charles looked at his phone, and the guy tried to rob him. He swung at Charles. Another guy tried to grab Charles, but he ran: “I guess they were having fun at my expense.” Charles couldn’t tell anyone, especially his parents, about the robberies he endured because “they’ll call me a punk and they’ll make fun of me. So I just kept it to myself.” He learned to “just ignore it. Just don’t say anything. Keep it to yourself.” But eventually, “all that hiding and keeping it inside eventually turned me into a raging alcoholic.”
For a while, Charles had a place he felt safe–the Boys Scouts. Although the boys picked on each other, to Charles, it wasn’t “we want to make you cry” bullying. It was friendly. He enjoyed his Boy Scout experiences. He was with his troop for many years and made his way up the ranks to become senior patrol leader for his troop.
But when he was around 16 or 17, his parents took him out of Boy Scouts. One of the scouts, a younger kid, didn’t like the way he was picked on, even though he participated in it with the other scouts. When the troop leaders found out, Charles apologized to the kid: “I’m really sorry. We were just having fun. We didn’t know you felt like that.” Charles and his friends agreed not to joke around with him since it made him feel bad.
But Charles’ mother was upset that the Scout Master didn’t defend Charles and told her it wasn’t a big deal. Charles was already working on his Eagle Scout project, getting first aid kits out to so many places that should have them. Still today, Charles thinks first aid kits should be everywhere. He wanted to remain a Scout. But his mother didn’t care about his project or how he was thriving in Boy Scouts. She withdrew him. Charles was really upset, but he did what he always did: “It was just one of those things where I was upset, even angry, but then I put it on the back burner and just kept going on autopilot. Just keep moving forward.”
Charles went from high school to college. He wanted to be a cop. He did well, earning lots of A’s. College was easy for Charles, “just being smart.” His mother was attending college, and he used to help her with assignments. So for Charles, “going to college was a normal thing.” And when he was there, it was the “only outlet that I had to just escape where I could
just be myself. I don’t have to put on the front or act like things don’t bother me or act big and tough.” Charles’ favorite subject was history. In the evenings, he would read more about the topic they talked about in class. Charles was simultaneously working as a building superintendent–the same job his father had since Charles was born, but in a different building. Charles worked a 24/7 job while earning good grades in college. He graduated college in 2012.
Charles moved out of his family home at 20 years old to get away from his family, especially his father. But it was expensive, and he had to go back. Charles began experiencing severe insomnia. That’s when his father suggested that Charles drink alcohol to help him sleep, since that is what he did every night. For Charles, that was “the start of drinking every night.” He was an alcoholic at 20 years old, although he didn’t realize it: “I didn’t think I had an alcohol problem. I just knew that if I didn’t drink, I wouldn’t sleep.”
Drinking helped Charles sleep, dulling the pain and angst he felt living with his family, especially his father. There were arguments and physical altercations. His father was still beating him, even though Charles was in his 20s. Charles never fought back. He “felt like I couldn’t do anything about it.” He’d watched his father abuse his brother and the awful relationship they had. His father didn’t know how to communicate. Instead, he’d “just blow up.” Once he was so angry at Charles’ brother and his live-in girlfriend that he “blew up, and he started breaking all of her figurines. So seeing that, I tried to not get on his bad side. It was fear. It was a lot of fear.” Charles also wanted his father’s approval, to be the “good” son. He had to get inside his father’s head, which was detrimental to his well-being: “I had to think like him even though I was more than half his age. Having those same thoughts ended up with me acting the way that I used to act towards the world because I thought that was normal.”
As a “functioning alcoholic,” Charles was able to maintain his job as a building superintendent for several years, followed by working for an education agency. Looking back, he realizes that he had constant hangovers, but it was so common that he didn’t understand it as an alcohol-related issue. He was also successful at his job, moving around the department in different areas because he was multi-talented.
At 27 years old, Charles had had enough of his father. He wanted the freedom he’d had when he left home the first time. Now Charles could afford it. He was familiar with Reading because Charles’ mother’s family lived there, and his parents bought a house in Reading when he was about 17 or 18 years old. Charles’ father and mother went to Reading on the weekends, hoping to one day to live there. Charles chose Reading because he was thinking long-term. He’s “very protective” of his younger brothers and wanted to be close to them. He also felt that being away from his father for five days a week would be sufficient to give him the peace he desperately needed. And Charles was still seeking his father’s approval and thought he’d finally get his father to notice his accomplishments with a great job and the purchase of a home.
At first, it was okay. But eventually, “the facade of ‘everything’s changed and in a new place, it’s going to be better’ went away.” The arguments happened often. The last conversation Charles had with his father was one of those arguments. The family knew what was going on and tried to get Charles’ father away from Charles because he intended to stab his son. Charles’ father went into his car, looking for a knife. But Charles told his family to let the father go: “I knew that that’s what he wanted to do for a long time. And I just got tired of fighting it.”
Charles’ family did not let him go. But as they held him away from Charles, Charles’ father had a heart attack. He died right there in front of his house in Reading.
Charles’ family members saved his life: “If it wasn’t for them, I probably wouldn’t be here right now.” But Charles’ mother and others in the family blamed Charles for his father’s death: “They said I basically killed my father because he had a heart attack when we were arguing.”
Charles never understood why his father was always so mad at him: “Back then, I just thought that maybe he just didn’t like me.” Now, Charles realizes his father, an alcoholic himself, “was just an angry person.” Despite all the pain and hurt, Charles’ father taught Charles about the person he wanted to be: “I did not want to be like him.”
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Charles moved on with his life. He was employed and doing well for several years. He was offered a position in a state office in Reading. He loved his email address ending in @pa.gov. “That was cool. It was like the best thing ever.” But it turned out that he was miserable in the job. He started drinking even more to deal with the job. At the same time, his family still blamed him for his father’s death.
Then Charles did something he’ll forever regret.
Charles woke up in Berks County Prison in Central Booking. He had no idea why he was there or how he got there. No one in his family came to bail him out even though he had the money. One night. A second night. A third night. To Charles, “it felt like an eternity in there. And I basically gave up.” He was experiencing withdrawal: “That was the worst feeling of all time. I was a daily drinker, and all of a sudden, I wasn’t drinking. My blood felt like there were rocks going through them. My heart felt like it was going to rip through my chest. I constantly asked the guard for help but was told I would ‘be fine.’”
Finally, his brother came to pick him up. He told Charles what’d he’d done and why he was arrested. Charles remembered nothing because he’d been so drunk. He was deeply ashamed, realizing he had followed in the footsteps of his father, acting violently in his relationships, something he vowed to himself he would never do: “And then I knew I had a problem.”
Charles was homeless. He wasn’t allowed back in the home he owned where his wife (from whom he is separated) and daughter lived. His sister was renting the other house Charles owned. His mother refused to let come to her house. His cellmate told Charles he could rent a room from him, but it wasn’t available.
Charles stayed at the Dollar Tree Hotel in Reading that first night. He “looked like a bum” and smelled like he’d “been playing in a dumpster.” The smell came from his pores sweating out the alcohol.
The next night, he got on his phone and started looking for housing. He found a park nearby and slept on the bench. While withdrawing from alcohol addiction, he experienced a lot of insomnia. But the bench also became for him “a place where I could just sit there and close my eyes for a bit until everything reopened again and then keep looking for housing.” This was the first time Charles hadn’t been drinking alcohol since he was 20. He used to drink when he was happy, when he was sad, and when he was stressed, but suddenly he was “facing all those emotions and not drinking at all.” After about five days, Charles found a room at the YMCA. He had a bed and could close the door. He’s “really grateful to the YMCA.” But it was also stressful knowing that he could be back on the street at any time.
Determined not to drink again, Charles developed a plan: “I knew what I wanted, and what I wanted to do was be sober.” He got the Vivitrol injection. He looked into several treatment centers that required him to be in a residential program. He understood why. But to Charles, that would be counterproductive: “I’ll go to inpatient, and I’ll fake it til I make it. And then when I’m back out in front of the temptation, then I’ll be doing the same thing again. I need to be taught how to look at it and just say, ‘I just don’t want to.’” He found and entered an intensive outpatient program.
Charles then retained a lawyer for his court case. He feels fortunate that the judge put him on Accelerated Rehabilitative Disposition (ARD), especially since he’d been on ARD in New York. It surprised Charles, but it also made him more determined to stay sober and out of trouble: “When a lawyer argued for ARD on an unemployed homeless guy, I knew I can’t mess up this opportunity. This is literally an opportunity for me to lose, and I can’t lose it.” To this day, Charles still does outpatient treatment with BCC and still gets the Vitriol injections.
Charles is currently a technology specialist. Charles applied for the job when he was homeless. He knew they’d do a background check on him and he was on probation, so he didn’t expect much to happen.
On his first day in his new job, Charles was pulled into his supervisor’s office. They asked him about the background check. Charles told them: “I was an alcoholic for 12 years. And this is the first time I’ve been sober. I got into a fight.” He told them about his father’s death. And he told them, “I’m getting help for it right now. I’m in treatment. I get my Vivitrol shots.”
They asked him whether any of his crimes were against children, which they were not. Then they surprised Charles, telling him, “Okay. If you need help with your recovery, please let us know.” They told Charles he had the job. But Charles couldn’t believe it: “I didn’t unpack. Just in case.” He loves his work, and he’s thriving.
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Charles has three daughters. Charles has been raising the 15-year-old since she was 10 “as if she was my own child.” Her mother and Charles were childhood friends. They married, and together they had a daughter, who is now 5. The daughters and their mom (from whom Charles is separated) live in Charles’ house near Reading.
Charles’ third daughter, also 5-years-old, lives in another state with her mother. Charles fought hard to obtain partial custody of his daughter. He visits as often as he can. He’s working toward buying a home near his daughter as another investment and to “have a place to leave my clothes and my daughter’s clothes too.” Charles is crystal clear about his love for his child: “I am her dad and I plan to be in her life. She is my daughter.”
Charles has learned from the trauma of being abused as a child: “I am 100% against hitting your kids no matter how they act. You cannot put your hands on them.” He treats his daughters the way he’d always dreamt he’d be treated as a child: Like a “Disney movie. I always wanted to go to my parents when I had a problem. They would scold me. They wouldn’t scream and yell. And they wouldn’t physically hurt me.” He yearned for them to “sit him down, tell him what they were feeling and thinking. Have a conversation instead of just getting violent and taking things personally.” He treats his children with respect and teaches them how to express themselves in healthy ways. He feels that “they’re allowed to be upset. They’re allowed to have a temper tantrum. They’re allowed to be jealous. They’re allowed to be happy. They’re allowed to be talkative. Even if some people find some of the things that they do a little annoying, I find it entertaining because I see them being free. And I see them making their own choices.” If they mess up, Charles is there “to put them back on their feet and continue to guide them.”
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Charles has been sober since February 20, 2023. He’s made amends with everyone he has hurt, but he is not done yet: “I know that trauma is one of those things where it’s not like, ‘Oh, I’m sorry, and that’s it.’” Charles knows what it will take to keep moving forward, sober and peaceful: “I know what it is that I want, and I want to be sober because I know who I am if I’m not. I worked too hard to get here, and I’m not turning back.” He knows he can never drink alcohol again. He “crossed that line” once before. It’s sometimes hard, but he no longer craves alcohol. The hardest part is when people in social settings say, “Oh, just have a cup.” But for Charles, “There is no just a cup.”